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Better Intimacy, Better Sex
As a counselor, I get many clients who are concerned about intimacy and sex. Romance books are a great escape from reality and can help reduce the stress of daily frustrations. And you can even learn some tricks to improve your relationship. The danger is when you begin to believe in the fantasy, compare your real life partner to a fictional character, and become dissatisfied and feel unsatisfied. One of the attractive qualities of romantic heroes is that they go all out, but if you’re in a real relationship with a real man, you probably need to drop the ball and let him know what you want.
Our culture is filled with unrealistic depictions of love, relationships, and family. From celebrity bust-ups to over-the-top movie romances to exaggerated representations and expectations of beauty, romance, and sex, the media bombards us with images and ideas that are the exact opposite of what works in marriage. Look around at the “beautiful people” – how long have their marriages lasted and how happy do they really seem?
When people have excessive expectations about marriage, they become disappointed and discouraged. Successfully married couples have a more realistic view that marriage will not be ideal and that the relationship and mutual love must be worked on and built over several years. If you love and care for each other, you have a better chance of success in your relationship.
Most couples who come to my counseling for relationship problems report that their marriages lost their romance long ago. It’s easy to feel romantic when you’re apart and dating because every moment you spend together is special. From the moment you start living together, such romantic moments will no longer happen automatically. Instead, most of your time together is spent doing more mundane things: doing laundry, washing dishes, paying bills or going to work. While this may be new, exciting, and fun at first, once the initial novelty of living together wears off, such mundane things no longer feel exciting and romantic, and you may find yourself worrying that your partner no longer cares as much or is as excited to be with you. may.
Enjoyable sex is an important part of married life that helps in building a strong bond, which is the most reliable way to maintain a relationship. Fighting is more common in marriages where intimacy and bonding are not working. Intimacy is the art of making your partner feel understood and accepted. When this feeling is created, barriers come down. Gentle touch, eye contact, a gentle sense of humor and the right words all set the mood. It also helps if you make positive comments about your partner’s appearance or daily activities. To restore your relationship, listen to each other and understand your partner’s needs and wants. The most powerful thing you can do to keep your marriage strong is to create a partnership, a team, where both parties feel respected, cared for, and needed. If you really want to repair your marriage, start by focusing on your partner’s needs instead of complaining about your unmet needs. Once a good connection is restored, you can start troubleshooting.
Here are some ways to restore intimacy:
A guide to increasing intimacy
• Prioritize relaxation, play and fun. Put more energy into making your partner laugh, and you’ll find that a playful approach motivates both you and your spouse to want to be close. Enjoyment, humor, leisure activities, and silliness are ways to recharge, re-energize, restore hope and positivity, and connect with one another. Don’t let too much time be consumed by watching TV, emailing, playing computer games, or other non-important people.
• Don’t let your expectations get out of line. Fun and intimacy don’t depend on spending or extravagance; they don’t depend on a specific setting or activity and don’t need to take a lot of time. Self-awareness is an internal process. You can sit quietly and talk about interesting or enjoyable things, work together in your garden, play with the children or the dog, or do a puzzle. Singing, dancing, playing sports or playing a board game may be what you need to feel close. Through play, we reconnect with our hearts, our childlike selves, and the intuitive, spontaneous responses that lead to sexual relationships.
Yes, you can create intimacy with special occasions, which requires a little advance planning; but if you look back on your most intimate experiences, it’s more likely that they were spontaneous and simple rather than complicated and expensive.
• Do not focus unrealistically on appearances. Aging together means that sooner or later we will show our age. Focus on how you feel about your partner, not on baldness, weight issues, or lack of performance. You can happily have sex with each other if you learn to accept the changes that come with age. You may not be beautiful people anymore, but you can have a lot more love, sex, and fun than they do if you are comfortable with the inevitable changes. Don’t let our youth-obsessed culture rob you of the joys you still have.
• Development of working “signals”. A special lamp in the bedroom (if it lights up, at least one of you is interested), brings home flowers, dressing up, a certain touch or expression.
• Make sure that your desire for intimacy is always a request and not a demand – the difference is that the answer to a request can be no. The demand is overwhelming; the request complements. Demands tear you apart; requests call the other person closer.
• Once you’ve established some transitions that work, try some surprises. A surprise means you haven’t agreed with each other, so for any surprise, give your partner time to respond and be prepared to adjust the details if necessary. You can shower, put on perfume, and dress in something you know your partner will like when he gets home from work and put his moves on you. Pay attention to your partner’s response and be ready to back off if you choose the wrong time. Your sense of humor works well here. When they work well, surprises can add some excitement and energy to your sexual relationship; but only if they rarely do.
• Make a reservation at a romantic place and give it to your lover in a sexy or romantic card during a quiet dinner. Since it’s a surprise, build some flexibility into the plan and make sure the plans will be good for your partner, not just you. In other words, if you like golf and want romance, choose a romantic location with a golf course nearby. If you love the ocean and you love watching sports on TV, choose a beach hotel with a sports bar. During your getaway, share your activities whenever possible.
• Sex is a physical form of communication, and like any other communication, it takes time. Give yourself a transition period before having sex. Don’t expect to be able to jump into bed and “sit up”. Allow time for quiet conversation, sensual touch, etc. “Fast” can be a lot of fun, but the fun disappears when it’s the only option.
• For most of us (especially most women), “romance” is important to some degree in getting us in the mood for sex. The relaxed anticipation created by the right music, soft lights, and sweet words creates an ideal atmosphere for intimacy that leads to verbal and physical love. Remember that what you find romantic or sexy is different for men and women, so give cues that work for both of you. Many couples find that watching erotic or romantic movies helps set the mood.
• Intimacy is only possible if there is enough personal space. Leave some distance regularly. “How could you miss me if you don’t go?” humorous expression. It takes separate activities, friends, and interests to keep your desire for each other fresh. It’s great for your relationship if you can tell your spouse something interesting when you get home.
• When you’re married and living together, it’s too easy to let romance go. Don’t forget to bring home flowers, send postcards, create or buy silly little gifts for each other. Write poems, silly notes or songs, cut out a cartoon from a magazine, or simply say the positive things you feel. Take a few extra minutes to set the scene when you have quiet time together, and set the table a little nicer when you’re home alone for dinner. If you know your spouse finds an aspect of the movie sexy or romantic, copy it: bring your wife the same flowers, or show up in the bedroom in a slide like the one your husband admired on the main character. If the romantic couple in the movie takes a long, romantic walk in the woods, try walking together in a local park.
• Relive your initial memories together. Visit places that are meaningful to you: the restaurant where you had your first date, the park where you met, the romantic hideaway where you camped. Play your favorite love songs; rent an old romantic movie and eat popcorn; do a crossword puzzle; go golfing; let’s cook our favorite dishes together. Reliving early dates can rekindle early feelings.
Mutual trust creates romance
Culturally, women have more permission to be romantic than men, but it has often been said that men are the real romantics. Many romantic poems, lyrics, movies and plays are written by men. Don’t worry about your “image”; be willing to risk feeling a little silly at times. It’s a great tonic for your relationship. Men, the main reward for you is more and better sex. Ladies, your reward is to feel loved and wanted. You will both feel good and enjoy yourself.
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