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Confessions Of A Female Sub: How Did I Get Here?

Wow. How did I get here? To the bottom of my secret garden, down and around the winding path, by the lake and behind the bushes, hidden from everyone I’ve ever met?

It’s a long story, a real journey of discovery, helped along the way by a growing sense of certainty and a few deep breaths.

I, like many women, was raised to believe that sex was something private, something that happened between a man and a woman during marriage, certainly not before, and definitely not to be enjoyed. A to-the-point provision of wedding vows, if you will. And boy, was it ever boring!

After following the expected womanhood, I got married at twenty-one, still innocent in physical integrity, except for the odd kiss, hug and hand slap when things seemed to be going too far.

Kevin was a great guy in many ways, attentive and caring, a good service provider. We come from similar backgrounds, share traditional family values ​​and views on marriage. But even on our wedding night, it was clear that the depth of physical passion I had hoped for would never be there. Kev was straight up roll-on roll-off, pinching his face and sleeping like a human. I was doomed to a life of unfulfilled sexual desire, or so I thought.

Although I was always taught that “pretty girls aren’t,” that didn’t stop my fertile imagination from fantasizing about all kinds of sexually weird ideas from my early teens. They started around the age of thirteen, naively, focusing mostly on the legendary tall, dark, handsome stranger who swept me off my feet and forced himself on me, much to my feigned protest and secret excitement. At the time, I didn’t have much material to feed my curious mind, but my fantasies soon ran wild when I discovered my brother’s porn magazines when I snooped around his room one day, wondering what he was doing behind closed doors.

Well, all I can say is that the Saturday morning I discovered her stash was the beginning of my lifelong fascination with sexually explicit images and the early flowering of the sexual being I was to become.

By the time I married Kevin, I had a huge catalog of crazy fantasies in my mind that I could draw from at any time. Before I left home, I was regularly satisfied when everyone was out or in bed, opening my mind to more and more exciting scenarios. When I first discovered the S&M scene through a TV show I shouldn’t have been watching while my friends were at a party, I was so turned on that I had to run to my room the minute it ended.

I didn’t dare tell Kevin that. I was locked in my secret fantasy world and knew Kev would be horrified if I told him even a little bit of what was on my mind. Jeez, he wouldn’t even do it with a light! I managed to get through the once-a-week Sunday morning marital duty by disappearing into my secret garden. And it seemed the more bored I got, the further I went in my fantasy.

At the age of twenty-five, I admit that it started to bother me. The fantasies I used now were dominated by full-fledged sado-masochistic scenes. Although I imagined myself as the ruler at times, I was usually the dominated, the submissive. Despite my upbringing, which dictated a woman’s subservient role, I wasn’t so enamored of my subconscious desire to be so submissive and controlled by a man. OK, Kev was the provider, but I ran the show, as did many other women. Meanwhile, as the years passed, Kev still had no idea about my secret self, and I tried to ignore the feeling that I was living a lie.

When Larry came into my life, everything changed. It was a classic meeting; One day I was putting the groceries in the car and he was just getting out of his car in the bay next to mine. He came to help and that’s it, we just clicked. I didn’t even know what this meeting would bring! By the time we packed the luggage into the trunk, we agreed to meet for coffee and exchange numbers. That twinkle in his eye as we said goodbye was all I needed to push all guilty thoughts aside.

Having coffee with Larry soon became a regular thing. Of course, he wasn’t shy about talking about everything under the sun, and he regaled me with tales of his exploits. I could talk to him so easily that when the conversation turned to our sexual experiences, it wasn’t until our third meeting that I was shocked to hear myself start to reveal the dark secrets of my mind. It wasn’t much at first, but Larry was really encouraging and understanding. He reassured me that there was nothing wrong with feeling the way I did, that I could enjoy sexual obedience if I wanted to without being controlled in other areas of my life.

Soon Larry was telling me about a whole alternative scene that existed and how he took sexual pleasure in acting like a master in an al-dom relationship. He talked about it as casually as if he was describing something more mundane, like interior design, which I think he is! Inside I lived and exploded, my already expansive imagination soaring to new heights fueled by Larry. I had no idea how I was going to keep this all in, and I really didn’t want to. Of course, Larry picked up on this, and looking back, I can see that in those early coffee meetings I had already begun to assume the role I had long desired, which allowed him to lead me to where we are now.

I have never been so weak with temptation. You hear people say, “I just couldn’t handle it,” and you probably think, like me, that people who give in are weak and just making excuses. But actually I couldn’t help myself, it was as if I had become complete, whole, the real me.

A quick coffee turned into a leisurely lunch, and lunch turned into whole afternoons at motels, with Larry joining me in my secret garden. I didn’t resist his proposal to be his master’s slave in the slightest. Within a few months I had fulfilled all my fantasies and some for Larry.

During those months, poor Kev had no idea. I felt badly? Yes really. He was a decent man and I knew it would hurt him if he found out what I was up to. But there was no turning back for me. He didn’t see it, but I changed. Sure, I still fulfilled my marital duties, but I lived for my time with Larry. As time went on, I longed to take our exploits out of the motel. I always wanted Larry. Funnily enough, while the shackles of my marriage to Kev were strangling me, I was actively looking for new ones, this time in leather!

The afternoon fun with Larry inevitably took a more serious turn. I got to the point where it wasn’t enough and I couldn’t face the thought of spending a lifetime with Kev and stole the afternoon with Larry. One day it all came to a head. Larry knew I wasn’t my usual self and he eventually got the better of me. It was the second best thing I ever did, the first being dropping the groceries in the parking lot that day. After I admitted that I wanted to leave Kev for him, Larry said that he was just waiting for me to reach that point. Although he’s a fantastic master, he wouldn’t force me to do anything I didn’t want to do.

I was ecstatic. We immediately made plans to take our relationship to the next level. Of course I have to leave Kev and Larry has to move out of his family home. Strangely, neither of us felt too guilty, knowing that we had formed such a strong bond that we had no choice. In fact, we were so excited that while we were talking about telling our partners about our plans, we suddenly realized that the conversation had somehow drifted into designing the dungeon we would be building together in our new home!

That was seven years ago. When it came down to it, Kev took it pretty well, all things considered. I didn’t tell him the exact truth about why I was leaving, he just wouldn’t have understood. How do you tell someone you are leaving them to be another person’s sex slave?

Larry and I are still together and we actually have the most perfect relationship I could ever want. To everyone else, we look like a normal couple; we share responsibilities and chores and are equals in most aspects of our daily lives. But when we close the door to the world, we become who we really are, and I find that just as exciting now as I did then. We even built the dungeon we’ve been talking about for the past few years, sometimes bringing in friends we’ve met during the scene. Most of the time, though, it’s just me and my master taking each other to places we have to go and I can’t come back from. Do I have problems with humility? Oh no. I wouldn’t trade those leather bandages for the world!

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