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Dear Dr. Romance: I Lost Everything

Dear Dr. Romance!

I read your article “Age Differences in Dating” and thought you might be interested in a case history. I was married to a younger man for twenty years. He was 21 and I was 40 when we met.

I had been in a very unhappy marriage for twenty years and had three sons. I had no intention of remarrying. When I met this handsome younger man who was openly pursuing me, I was flattered. Dating evolved into a physical relationship. He was the exact opposite of my ex-husband and I was amazed that we could talk for hours without getting bored, he was interested in the same things, liked the same music, books, etc. even a noticeable difference in our looks, as I looked ten years younger and he looked much older with early gray hair.

However, when he asked me to marry him, I insisted that we live together because I couldn’t imagine it lasting forever. He was relentless and enlisted the help of my teenage sons to talk them into marriage. I have to admit that for the first few years I was secretly waiting for the other shoe to drop. He was serious and conservative, I was funny and free-spirited. He once told a friend of ours that I was the funniest and most exciting woman. whom I had ever met and he never knew what to expect from me next. He was a rock of reliability and security to me and the most caring, gentle, loving man I have ever met. I think we complimented each other and each satisfied the other.

We worked to build a life together and I helped him climb the corporate ladder to become a vice president. As he became more successful, he insisted that I quit my job so that I could travel with him on business trips. For the first time in my life, I didn’t have to work. I was happy to finally be a housewife. We traveled everywhere. To Australia, Hong Kong, London, Paris… places I never dreamed I’d see. We vacationed in Hawaii on our thirteenth wedding anniversary and everyone thought we were newlyweds. We never had any serious disagreements, we did everything together and I felt safe because he took great care of me. It was the happiest twenty years of my life. I was finally sure that the other shoe would never drop. I trusted and believed in him… in us.

Then one day, shortly before our twentieth anniversary, he came into the house and said he was in love with someone else and wanted a divorce. He moved in with her that night. She had been having an affair with him for two months. I found out later that he worked for her. Of course I was completely devastated. I had no idea he was unhappy in our marriage. I lived with him for 20 years and suddenly I was faced with a complete stranger who told me that our age difference was more than he could handle. His friends and colleagues did not approve. After all, my oldest son was only three years younger than him. This fact has not changed in 20 years.

I was 62 years old, I had not worked for twelve years, and I had no money to support me. I lost everything because Texas didn’t have child support back then. It took years of counseling to restore my self-esteem and self-image. I am now 75 years old and have rebuilt my life with new surroundings and new friends. I am still blessed with excellent health and lead a very active life. But there’s rarely a day that goes by that I don’t think about it. I was naive to think age didn’t matter. There is a double standard about age and I don’t think that will ever change. However, I wouldn’t change these 20 years and I still hold onto the wonderful memories of our time. together for the rest of my life.

Dear reader!

I’m sorry you were so disappointed. The same could have happened if she had married a man her own age. I’m proud of you for rebuilding your life and not being bitter, but enjoying your memories. None of us can predict what the future holds.

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