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Help for Men to Relate So Women Will Love Them
“Avoidant, insecure” personality type
“My strength is my common sense and rational thinking”
You are “avoidant” if you find yourself running away from conflict—more specifically, from the intense emotional upheaval that comes with conflict. Although most avoiders simply leave the room, go to a quiet place, or stay late at work, others self-medicate with alcohol, drugs, gambling, overeating, or any other activity that masks the discomfort or generates a more attractive, good alternative. feelings. More often men than women, avoiders also tend to focus their lives on achieving, working, or somehow accomplishing tasks at the expense of the relationship—often putting them on a different side than their partner. Although you will enjoy relationships, you will tend to take your relationships somewhat for granted and risk losing them because of this.
Some characteristics of avoidant insecure behaviors
1. Avoiders like to focus on tasks and take great pleasure in completing them. If someone interrupted you while you were working, you would most likely get annoyed or at least a little frustrated (most avoidant men) because your focus on “doing” is interrupted. Being good and focused on tasks is a strength, but your relationships will matter more in the long run, so you may want to let go of the task and focus on those you care about most.
2. Although avoiders may engage in intense conversation during courtship, this may soon cease. You’re probably not much of a talker, although you can force yourself to be social. However, it usually runs out of steam sooner rather than later. You may have been an excellent communicator during the courtship and honeymoon (when emotions were positive and strong), but this may give way to minimal speech once “real” life resumes. As a new relationship progresses, your partner may wonder why this once passionate talker now seems so disinterested. The truth is, avoiders don’t care about emotional or social relationships, so they don’t usually get stuck in long passionate or intimate arguments. The exception to this is when rational ideas are exchanged. E.g. religion, politics, etc. However, you can learn to stay engaged by not trying to solve the other person’s emotional drama.
3. If you are passionate about something, you can speak for hours defending your opinion. You probably approach the world from the point of view of reason and logic and struggle to understand why people are so emotional. Any time there is an argument, you can, and usually do, explain the reasoning behind your comments, behavior, or views. It can be especially frustrating for you when your partner reacts emotionally to a point of view and doesn’t want to listen to the reasoning or clarification you’re so eager to offer. Your strength lies in being logical, but remember that relationships require you to be attuned to feelings, regardless of why they occur in you or the other person.
4. Avoiding your own feelings, and especially the strong feelings of others, has probably been a lifelong pattern for you. Of course you have feelings, but you may think that feelings are just annoying and shouldn’t be ignored. You probably haven’t realized that the world is a collection of feelings, and when you feel them, your style is to override them with logic. This is a disaster when it comes to relationships because people relate to each other based on what feels good and fear what doesn’t. So emotions are a barometer of what’s going on in a relationship, and it’s only when you notice them that your relationship can get on track. Key feelings you are likely to feel a lot are shame, fear of failure, inadequacy, discouragement, defensiveness, pressure to perform or succeed, and hurt. You are likely to get angry only when frustration or pressure to support a task or others reaches a crescendo, or your partner insists it is “illogical”.
5. Keeping things tidy and well organized usually matters more than the human relationships involved. Thus, your type may be more controlling or strong in who should do what. It can be a concern if your ducks aren’t lined up as they should be, and you can ride those who seem relaxed and more concerned about talking things through. Organization is usually your strength, but you have to ask yourself what price you can pay for your relationships if they are organized and still be “right”. Consider allowing more clutter if harmony is a consequential benefit.
6. Avoidants can appear harsh, uncaring, and insensitive when they resist and defend themselves. Your type can withdraw, become very logical, and easily lose empathy and compassion. This can dig you into a deeper hole when it comes to a relationship. Your partner may feel even more alone, ignored, unloved, uncared for, and initially upset and eventually angry. The way forward is to stay committed and be as open-hearted as possible. Come back from resistance or defensiveness as soon as possible, recognize that there is no real danger of emotional overload, and try to connect with warmth, touch, or caring and loving gestures.
7. Giving up solving problems and just listening to them is a must for avoiders. Because they are so task-oriented, this personality style will naturally try to address their partners’ concerns. Most often, their partners do not want their problems solved. They may want their feelings to be heard, understood and sympathized with. Avoiders can improve their recording skills with quality listening, paying particular attention to how their partner is feeling.
8. Most avoiders can learn to listen to their own and their partner’s feelings. Only this skill is usually somewhat unpracticed. If your partner wants their feelings heard, reflected, and taken seriously, reflective listening can make a big difference in your relationship. But it can seem like something of a challenge and it can take practice to go from an emotional runner to an emotional stayer and listener. When avoiders recognize the key role of feelings in a relationship, they can begin to work with them. Most avoidant partners will appreciate you talking about yourself and what’s going on in their world, especially how you feel about your life and theirs.
9. Know that avoiders want quality, meaningful, heartfelt relationships, but often don’t realize it until they’re no longer in a relationship. Never let assignments, work and other distractions rule your life. Deep in his soul, he wants to love and be loved, to nurture and nurture. Be sure to balance your life so that your primary relationship gets the time it needs. You probably won’t be happier without a partner you can love and be loved by. One day more quality relationships on your deathbed would mean more to you than one more performance.
10. Avoiders have a strong need for “alone” time. We all have personal needs that we need to attend to, and the most important of these personality types is the need to be alone. This includes downtime, exercise time, rest time, hobby time, etc. means If you don’t have enough time to be alone, you can feel that the relationship overwhelms and swallows you. Talk to others about balancing alone time, relationship time, family time, and work time.
11. In order to come back out of the cave after feeling defensive, resistant, angry, or stuck, do an activity that uplifts your feelings. Activities like walking can help, but you may still find yourself wondering what happened to your partner. Try an activity like listening to uplifting music, reading a good book, or watching a TV show that gets you moving. It has to be something that turns a depressed mood into an uplifting one. Then you will be in a better place to talk to your partner.
12. Discuss and meet the needs that help keep you out of these helpless emotional states. Think about what isn’t working in your relationship, and when you feel better, take steps to let your partner know what you want that didn’t happen when you were upset. Allow time to tune in to their needs and take time to practice communicating them constructively.
13. Anxious, insecure personality types can be difficult to understand or get along with. Until you appreciate each other’s personality styles and work with them. While neither you nor the anxious person can change their underlying personality traits, you can choose new behaviors that bridge the differences and work with them. You will need a down-to-earth sensible reasonable discussion about this so that you know how to proceed in the future.
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