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How Do I Say “Merry Christmas Fifi?”
Every year the local radio station plays the silly song “Jingle Bells” by barking dogs. My dog Fifi loves it. In fact, he loves it so much that he barks.
I used to think it was cute, but it just kept getting worse. Every year, the local radio station starts playing its Christmas music one day earlier than last year. I estimate that we will be in July 2020. I just can’t stand the thought of an elderly Fifi screaming “Jingle Bells” at the top of her doggy lungs. Sometimes I wish that unnamed hit-dog wonder would learn a new tune — something more melodic like “Mary, Did You Know?” or “O Little Town of Bethlehem.” Ho hum! My tail is wagging.
Anyway, little Fifi started singing “Jingle Bells” during her longer and longer dog showers. My neighbors love it. I hate.
Well, I shouldn’t say “I hate it”. It’s kind of cute, but it’s also kind of confusing. I mean, our backyard can be seen by every house in our neighborhood, and the neighbors tend to gather around one corner of our chain-link fence to giggle and discuss the almost human-like contrast of the little poodle. If I may be so bold as to be a bragging parent, I have to admit that it has quite an impressive contrast. To put it modestly, of course.
The thought of going on a trip crossed my mind. Sell tickets, t-shirts, little waving dog paws and Fifi pictures in glamor shots. I can hear the booming voice of James Earl Jones announcing backstage during Fifi’s debut performance: “Meet the world’s most amazing canine talent – Fifi The Canine Contralto.”
Okay, I admit, it’s hair of the dog fantasy, that James Earl Jones thing. Knowing my luck, I’d be stuck with announcer Scrappy Doo.
Anyway, Fifi loves Christmas. He waits for this all year. Last year I bought him this cute little table with poodle engraving on the face. Fifi loves it. He sleeps under it. He eats under it. He goes to the bathroom underneath. And sometimes I find him just sitting in front of it admiring his little wooden poodle friend. I think he might be in love.
Of course, puppy love, as we all know, is the cutest kind of love. And when he hit Fifi, I freaked out a bit. It happened last spring, like clockwork. I was out watering the grass, which Fifi is usually happy to help me with, but not on that trip. No, when I returned to my living room after that fateful day in early May, I found Fifi sitting in the middle of the living room, staring at her dog-faced table. It was incredible. I got shell shock.
I was planning to get Fifi a piece of furniture with a dog carving on it this year, but I’m thinking about it. I don’t want her new poodle friend to be jealous. I’ve heard that dog jealousy is often worse than human jealousy. I’m not curious enough to know for sure. Still, I’m running out of ideas. Fifi is a little picky when it comes to her Christmas presents. Two years in a row she made me return the gummy dog bone because she didn’t like the taste. I don’t want to go through this again. Who would have thought it would turn to licorice and sarsaparilla?
So I’m back to square one. What will I get for my little Fifi this year? I might end up with a music box that plays “Jingle Bells.” So you can set it up on top of your new love’s tree house by the window and impress your new boyfriend by singing your favorite holiday jingle while he stares at the love crashing on my furniture. And I’m only happy about one thing: Fifi is not a Siberian husky.
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