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The Nipple Effect; Breast Obsession in Relationships
Tall and slim, Melissa is the kind of woman most people fall head over heels for. Her eyes are expressive and full of life, and she seems to know how to use that beautiful, full of life face and body to her advantage. Her friends adore her generous and sunny personality and often compliment her on the great work she has done to change her life. She is now aware of her inner beauty and works hard to maintain the gift of her outer attractiveness. He learned to love himself.
For most of her life, Melissa had not been so cheerful; in fact, this newfound peace of mind had eluded him for a very long time.
Until ten years ago, Melissa suffered from a severe eating disorder. He was practically saved thanks to the tireless efforts of his mother, family and professional help (the GP and the therapist).
In her therapy sessions, Melissa learned about her own body image, her perfectionist attitudes towards herself and others, her judgmental nature and her need for control. The brave work paid off; Melissa overcame the disease and then explored what she believed to be a productive, creative and comfortable life.
Four years ago, Melissa became romantically involved with a young man whom she loved and respected and wanted to marry. Steve was captivated by her beauty and personality, as well as her quality of life, positive energy, vibrancy and yes, her ability to cook. They didn’t like spending time apart and decided to move in together. Both were working on their own careers and slowly building their love nest; a beautifully decorated house they loved coming home to.
A few weeks ago, on a Saturday night, Melissa and Steve went dancing at the club where they first met. They do this often and are both good dancers. This time, however, a young woman danced beside them. She wore a red top that was cut short, revealing toned abs, her large breasts accentuated by the low-cut design, her nipples poking through the red material. Steve looked interested. The young woman looked back at him and smiled. When Melissa and Steve returned to their seats, he was still staring at the woman in the red top. Melissa noticed his fascination and felt that something had been triggered in her. He let her know how it made him feel. Steve kept saying (defensively) that he just watches and it doesn’t act, doesn’t act, etc. His words didn’t help her emotional state. If anything, those words made it worse.
Within a week, Melissa was back to her old eating disorder behaviors. Her tendency to starve herself and purge after eating has returned. He became obsessed with environmental perfection, control, judgment and misery. Melissa lost her trust in Steve; she projected her not-good-enough condition onto him and felt depressed. Melissa has regressed.
Let’s go back to that Saturday night at the club. At the club, Steve was oblivious to Melissa’s anxiety. He reacted to the external stimulus; breasts and nipples near him, why? What’s wrong with that?
My recent book Booby-Trapped, How to Feel Normal in a Breast-Obsessed World has a discussion (including historical research) that explores Steve’s culture and how young men became so obsessed with women’s breasts . visually descriptive; ‘fallen into a bunyi trap’. Steve reacts to the woman in the red top just as he did to Melissa a few years earlier; with magic, provocation, sexual attraction and intrigue. However, his obvious callous behavior at the club is an area that needs improvement. Steve belongs to this generation where large breasts are one of the main criteria of attractiveness. It’s a kind of code we teach our young. Today it is a mental health hazard with many painful consequences. And it’s a family problem that gets worse, like eating disorders.
Back to Melissa. She instinctively felt threatened by Steve’s reaction and recoiled from the depression. Why such a strong reaction from Melissa? Her body looks good, slim and sexy. She also has big breasts. Did I mention that Melissa had breast augmentation surgery as part of her self-improvement quest?
Well, as you have learned by now; Melissa is at least as “trapped in a bubble” as Steve; namely, he is obsessed with the size and shape of women’s breasts. These emotions and a preoccupation with body parts such as breasts often mask a deep sense of shame about one’s femininity and self-worth. It is no wonder that he is threatened by the sight of another woman’s deliberately large breasts, attracting the attention of his man.
Melissa, along with many women of her generation, accepted the culturally induced “norm” of large female breasts.
What example will you set for your future children? How will you “cope” with breastfeeding, motherhood, aging, life, and other maturational processes?
Notice that Melissa’s regression was not triggered by a bare, taut stomach, but by jealousy of her boyfriend, large dancing breasts, and noticeable nipples.
What Melissa will learn is actually the message and motto of the book Booby-Trapped, How to Feel Normal in a Breast-Bessed World; http://www.boobytrapped.com
Size and shape are human tissues,
Shame and fear are human problems!
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