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Politically Correct Christmas Carols and Holiday Songs

Christmas carols and holiday songs tend to exclude, marginalize and insult. Henceforth, these songs will be rewritten with new titles to avoid any real, imagined or perceived offense.

The word Christmas is exclusive to Christians, so it should be removed. Since it cannot be replaced by the word “holiday” (holy day), we replace it with the harmless term “holiday”.

“We wish you a Merry Christmas”

“We wish you a pleasant, non-religious winter holiday.”

Noel is another word for Christmas.

“The First Noel”

“The first non-religious day off in winter”

Don’t you dare rule out the victims of capitalism this season.

“I’ll be home for Christmas”

“I will be at home or in a homeless shelter on the non-religious winter day off”

And let’s not let subtle references to race cloud the celebration (if you chose to celebrate).

“I dream of a white Christmas”

“I dream of a racial, immaterial, non-religious – specific winter day off”

Disabled people should not be excluded.

“I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day”

“I felt the bells on the non-religious winter holiday”

If physical disability is referred to in other songs, it must also be performed in sign language and made accessible in Braille.

“Can You Hear What I Hear”

“Do You Feel What I Feel”

Angels are spiritual beings, not everyone believes in spiritual life.

“Angels We Heard on High”

“Managing influences that we perceived highly”

Since the mute cannot sing, we substitute the term communication.

“Hark! The Herald Angels Sing”

“Sense! The Messenger controller influences communication”

The word “holy” has a religious connotation. We don’t want to offend the lay people.

“Silent Night, Holy Night”

“Silent Night, Godly Night”

And

“Oh Holy Night”

“Oh Godly Night”

Lay people can also lack faith.

“Oh Come All Ye Faithful”

“Oh, be extremely faithful to non-material evidence”

A person should not feel excluded based on where they live…

“Go Tell It On The Hill”

“Go tell me in your preferred geographic location”

…or their climate.

“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow”

“Let it show you a favorite weather pattern, show you a favorite weather pattern, show you a favorite weather pattern”

Christians are sneaky. They often subtly hijack common phrases in an attempt to get hold of the language. The word “manger” has been hijacked to refer exclusively to the birth of Jesus Christ and should be replaced.

“Far in the Manger”

“Also in a trough that holds animal feed”

The traditional birthplace of Jesus Christ is Bethlehem, Israel. Since Bethlehem is located in the Zionist-occupied and disputed West Bank, we have to give this song a tentative name.

“Oh Little Town of Bethlehem”

“Oh, The Strange City of Palestinian Authority”

This was a good step towards using physical descriptions. The word “small” should never be used. It’s humiliating. Especially when used to describe a person. It is also forbidden to refer to a person’s gender, especially if it serves to reinforce stereotypes.

“Little Drummer Boy”

“A vertically challenged drummer child of undetermined gender”

Other gendered songs have to be redone.

“Frosty the Snowman”

“Frosty the Hermaphrodite Snow Creature”

And

“Oh Come Let’s Worship Him”

“Oh Come, We Worship Him or Her”

This also applies to parenting roles and heterosexuality.

“I saw mom kissing Santa Claus”

“I saw my gynocentric guardian kiss a gender non-specific person known to wear a red suit”

We cannot stereotype overweight people as happy, nor can we refer to a person’s age. Even if they are saints (another subtle religious term)

“Jolly Old Saint Nicholas”

“Happy, plump, chronologically talented, extremely virtuous

Michael”

We kept the term Nicholas to preserve some tradition. We are not implying that Nicholas should be a male name, and that men are the only ones who can accumulate enough wealth and have the generosity to bestow upon multitudes of people. Nor are we implying that females lack the physical strength and stamina to perform such a task. To counterbalance this misconception, we use modern day affirmative action to even out the male ego and help keep the playing field level.

“We are the three kings of the East”

“We are three misogynistic East Asian autocrats”

This applies mainly to Westerners…

“Good King Wenceslas”

“Evil white man, European misogynistic autocrat Wenceslas”

…double, especially if they are Christians

“Good Christian Men Rejoice”

“Evil narrow minded homophobic racist misogynistic men get her drunk and abused”

We do not take tradition lightly. In fact, we have found a traditional song that we will preserve in its entirety. We feel this song accurately portrays the typical man.

“Mr. Grinch”

Sample text: “Your soul is a hideous dump full of the most shameful garbage imaginable, mixed into tangled knots!”

The songs of Thanksgiving or the fall holiday must also be deconstructed.

“Across the River and Through the Woods”

“Across the River and Through the Woods”

Captioned: “Only after an environmental impact study has been conducted on the effects of horse-drawn sleighs on the forest. Assuming that the tame vegetarian beast of a horse is not forced to pull an overloaded sleigh, and does so on a voluntary basis. .”

We know it can lose the warmth of its original meaning. This could be avoided if grandma (or grandparent) would just move back to the city and help stop urban sprawl.

And last but not least, we need to help shift the cultural pendulum away from a religious holiday and back toward a state-provided secular day off. We can do this through songs that highlight the true Marxist origins of political correctness

“Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer”

“Rudolph the Red knows that state seizure and redistribution of private wealth is more just than private charity and ensures the survival and growing power of the state.”

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