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Safe Touch – A Key to Good Mental Health and Relationships

I think any trained and sensitive massage therapist will tell you that they tend to meet people who express themselves more authentically than they would in an office setting. Even the same person is more authentic and gentle in a safe touch massage. Minimal clothing, soothing fountain sounds, scents of lavender, orange, sandalwood, or other essential oils, and non-soul-destroying music seem to do just that. Everyone needs a safe touch to feel comforted and free to be themselves without judgment.

In my own experience, we live in a touchless culture. Touch someone at work, even with an encouraging “good for you” pat on the back, and you might be judged as some sort of office pervert. Give him a comforting back rub or hold his hand to say, “I care how you feel,” and off you go to jail! In our culture, touch is suspect and often threatening. I don’t encourage anyone to just accept the touch of anyone they meet as well-intentioned or harmless. But in most cases, as usual, the baby went out with the bathwater.

As a pastor, I have laid hands on people as described in James 5:14-16 and I hope it will produce the desired and promised results. “Is anyone among you sick? Call the elders of the congregation to pray for him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 And the prayer said with faith will heal the sick, the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. 16 So confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is strong and effective.”

I’ve done it a thousand times and respectfully observed that it doesn’t cure anything of significance from my point of view. However, I am sure that at times and because of the reaction of some, the touch itself was deeply appreciated and meaningful. A church or pastor who ONLY relies on this because “it’s in the Bible, God said, I believe it will do it for me” is a fool and delays the help that a truly sick person may need from professionals. I’ve seen this in my past career and it’s hard to talk about even though I wasn’t the only anointing perspective.

A kind, intentional and skilled touch seems to free us from the mask we wear. Everyone is wearing a mask. This is how we survive dealing with subjects we cannot talk about or will not understand if we even think about them. During a massage, people become more open and honest, and some people sometimes want to talk about what they really think. Some may want to elaborate on the office environment, the company, or the boss, but when sharing, most simply talk about touch and why people are so afraid of their own thoughts and needs.

“Needs”, now there is a word for you. Our Christian culture transcends the idea that what we need is valid from those in need. For decades, sermon after sermon, he equated this with being selfish and carnal or unconverted and “of the world.” Just say to a pastor, “I need it,” and often his oppressions will bubble up and he’ll get a lecture about how the Bible tells us this or that, mostly along the lines of, “We don’t do anything factional or vain.” from glory, but from humility. remember that each one cares more about others than about himself.” Phil. 2:3 (ASV) I have always wondered that if we think of everyone else as better than ourselves, and all that refers to our own self-worth, what should others do?

Everyone must be touched safely. One client used to be very quiet while I was working on them and then suddenly said, “Don’t you think it’s funny that my dad never hugged me?” We chatted a bit about it, but I knew that I, a stranger touching her, had triggered this thought, unlike her father, who knew her well, never hugged her. After a few minutes he said, “I don’t think I’m gay.” That was also a no-brainer. Here’s how it worked in his mind. “I like this touch.” “Dad never hugged me.” “Yeah, I like that and it’s a guy!” “I better tell him I don’t think I’m gay so he doesn’t think I am.” What’s interesting? For him, touch was necessary, yet it had connotations that weren’t really there, but had to be referenced. By the way, I’m not gay either.

One thing people need to practice more is saying “I need”. It’s not selfish or rude. It’s human, and it’s the thing that makes relationships work on a more genuine and authentic level. How many relationships would be better or even saved if we learned to say, “I need you to stop talking to me like that.” “I need you around more often.” “I need you to touch me in a way that makes you feel like you care about ME.” “You should listen to what I think for a change.” “Give me some space.” “I need variety in my life.” “You need to take better care of yourself.” “You have to leave out of our conversations the people you don’t like, the crazy relatives, the stupid boss, and the damn church.” “I need…” Try it sometime and you’ll see that others need the same thing. They just didn’t know you knew nothing about needs.

Others talk about what they don’t need touch in their lives. They do not need to be grabbed or pushed. No need to slap or pinch them roughly. They don’t have to feel used and unloved. I think that’s another topic.

A mask covering themes of sexuality is a big deal for ALL people. All massages are sensual, even if they are therapeutic, as touch is by nature. In a safe and compassionate environment, many people think about the place that sex has or does not have in their lives. Human sexuality and its expression and experience never go away. I always laughed at the fact that the Bible tells us that when Moses died he was 110 years old (maybe yes, maybe not) and that “Moses was a hundred and ten years old when he died – that his eyes were not dim, nor his natural strength abated;.. .” It’s a coded way of saying that she noticed everything and still managed to get excited. How they knew that, I don’t know. I guess she was bragging about it. But it’s an old way of proving that the man wasn’t dead, and he was truly alive until he died.Many people I meet feel dead because they have no touch or sexual expression in their lives.

Although many fundamentally religious types deny this aspect of human need as purely selfish and carnal, it is very normal and very necessary for a healthy life. The most extreme sexual religious ignorance I have ever heard was someone who always prayed to God not to experience, shall we say, an unquenchable force and to have sex with a partner just for the sake of sex. Argh… no more comments. I would say that the partner is somehow looking elsewhere.

On the other hand, those who, although very religious and loyal to their church, listen politely to those in authority, and represent “God’s opinion” on these topics every week, are very capable of saying that they don’t care what the pastor has to say. and their sexuality is not really the church’s business, even though it isn’t. I find a lot of devoted believers who struggle against what a church teaches, or in many cases doesn’t. Much of what the Bible says about human sexuality is wrong and harmful to people. He has an archaic, Middle Eastern perspective and manages them nicely, though perhaps that is his intention. It also promotes a lot of anxiety and depression, which are unspoken functions of shame, guilt, fear, and anger. I have yet to meet an anxious or depressed client who is not afraid or angry about something they feel they have no right to or is too risky to express. Think about it.

I love my gay clients. There is probably no more honest, open and compassionate type of person. They have a nature that is suitable for this, and their experience often confirms the advantages of this way of being and thinking. They’ve also faced a lot of rejection and credibility issues that most people never openly face. I know he’s not gay, but more by nature. No one is trying to be gay, nor should they. Everyone is a real human being who knows more about themselves than most people ever dare to discover. I’m thinking of someone who was “knocked out” by a friend in Church and given a video to see how to be non-gay. If they could not change, and the video did not convince them, then they were not welcome in the church. Needless to say, the video just didn’t work. I once asked a lesbian client why she came to me as, well… a man! I knew the history of abuse and just wondered. He said the nicest thing I’ve ever said to me. “Because I love what you do, I feel safe and you’re the only man who will ever touch me.” Wow… but he wouldn’t let me use that in my ad.

Everyone needs a safe touch. Touch sends your message gently but loud and clear. The client knows about the touch if I am not present in the massage. One client said he would tell her later in the session if he wanted to go for 90 minutes instead of an hour. From my point of view now I want to know that this dictates what and how to do the massage but I just said ok. I put my hand on him and did a half pass on the back when he said “let’s do the 90.” He said when I touched him he knew he wanted to go further. Nice compliment. It was the touch.

Sometimes a person can be so stressed and angry that they feel it without saying it. Sensation rather than feeling. I sense bad intent and it takes a very long hour. Sometimes you just can’t put your “finger” on it, but you know something is wrong. Touch works the same way. Just the energy people give off can tell you long before they get close enough to touch you. This is why we feel good or bad when some people walk in the room. They reach us even without reaching us.

So think about how it affects you and why. The mantra for many, unfortunately, is “don’t touch me” and that should be respected. I believe obesity is a subliminal message to “stay away from me”. According to research, 80% of obese women have experienced sexual harassment. Sounds high to me, but it could be close. Even untouched, or unspared, as the term is used, rats die sooner and do not survive surgery than those that are frequently spared or touched. How much more our partners, family members, children and even ourselves. Even watch others soothe and touch themselves to see how our brains unconsciously tell our hands to comfort us when we need it.

So… have you tamed anyone today? Or if you need it, you will allow it. from those whose intentions are right, without drama or blame. I always tell my clients, “I always say more touches and less rocket propelled grenades.” They laugh and always say, “that’s not the truth.” Yes, this is the one.

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