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Thanksgiving Day Can Be Painful

When you lose someone you love, Thanksgiving is stressful and painful. When a brain tumor took dear Katie’s life, I dreaded this holiday. We didn’t serve rutabaga for seven years because it was Katie’s favorite vegetable. The thought of their seasonal aroma permeating our home without it being inside was too much to bear.

I am not sharing this part today to make you sad. I share because you are my extended family and I am yours – we are all fellow travelers. Throughout our lives, we lose the people we love, or they lose us, because that’s just the cycle of life. But when we suffer a loss, we question whether we will ever overcome the pain of crippling grief. We think we won’t survive and doubt we’ll ever feel happy again. Even poor Charlie Brown had his doubts: “I think I’m losing control of the whole world,” he once sighed. Even saying thank you seems contradictory when all we want to do is cry. But we can give thanks and move on. Here are some suggestions on how to do this.

  • Make a conscious decision to live. That means getting out of bed and putting your feet on the floor every day. “Thank you my legs” even if you don’t feel like walking.
  • Allow yourself time and space to quietly listen to the songs that are important to your loved ones and cry a little more; sigh another; but then switch to a different kind of music to distract yourself.
  • Do something active like walking and meditating on your specific pain. Have a little talk with the loved one you lost and let your tears flow; they heal you.
  • Write down your desires for your loved one in a private journal; expressing your feelings is crucial to the journey through grief and sorrow.
  • Go to someone else’s house or the cinema instead if you don’t feel like cooking – we’ve redefined normal for you. If you have children or grandchildren, hug them. Kids don’t always understand death, but they do understand life, and it will rub off on you, I promise.
  • Turn to your partner or friends for comfort, not against them. Seek spiritual guidance whenever you feel the need.
  • Remember that the stages of grief and loss—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—are especially heightened during the Thanksgiving holiday, so consciously think more about your present blessings and less about your sorrows and losses. Our Katie has told me more than once that someone else always has it worse, and she was right.
  • Pray for strength and courage to accept your life now, and then pray some more. Do some yoga. Yes, I know it’s hard, I’m not talking abstractly here; I’m with you every step of the way.
  • Consider all the other people in your life who love and depend on you. They need you and want you to be there physically, emotionally, and spiritually this Thanksgiving, even if you’re sad. Why? Because they love you and want to give you an extra hug. We all need those extra hugs when it hurts.

My friends, the Creator has planted a lot of love and mercy in your hearts because of your loss. And while yes, we must surrender to the physical absence of our loved ones, we also trust with all our hearts that they are at peace now, and that we too will be given the grace to find peace and the courage to make this Thanksgiving and Every Day Count.

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